Bond: 'You know, you're cleverer than you look.'

Q: 'Still, better than looking cleverer than you are.'

Legitimately the only Bond film that retains ZERO re-watchability. Features the abysmal hat trick of worst girl/worst villain/worst action sequence. The next worst on the list is at least enjoyable trash worthy of a “so bad it’s good” qualification. DIE ANOTHER DAY rests squarely in “so bad it’s sad” territory. Make it stop. Please.

“So, anyone else want to drop out?” - Max Zorin

The Bond film that conjures simultaneous confusion and revulsion at an almost minute-to-minute consistency. Grace Jones skydives off the Eiffel Tower, Christopher Walken swan dives off the Golden Gate Bridge, and senior citizen Roger Moore (the oldest Bond in the series history) pilots a fire truck away from a roaring inferno. Oh, and 007 invents snowboarding. Seriously.

“Mr. Bond, you defy all my attempts to plan  an amusing death for you.” - Hugo Drax

“Fail Big” seems to be the motto of the first (and thus far last) film to literally rocket James Bond into space. “Dr. Holly Goodhead” waves at “Pussy Galore” as she dives past her into the annuls of suggestive character name bad taste. There’s a gondola hovercraft AND a pigeon doing a double-take but, mercifully, they pool their resources in the same embarrassing sequence. Lot of series’ lows to be found here.

"Señor Bond, you got big cojones. You come here, to my place, without references, carrying a piece, throwing around a lot of money... but you should know something: nobody saw you come in, so nobody has to see you go out." - Franz Sanchez 

Slow, cheap, empty, and repugnantly violent, Timothy Dalton’s second and last outing as 007 is dead on arrival. Robert Davi and Benicio Del Toro hurtle hilariously into camp territory as villainous drug smugglers. But the tonal shifts are whiplash-inducing and there’s nary a memorable moment in the whole film.

“I’m not interested in your sordid escapades. Let’s get on with it, shall we?” - Q

Pierce Brosnan’s sophomore outing starts off with charm, polish, and an above average central conceit (a media mogul engineers a war so that he can be the first to provide news coverage on it) then deteriorates almost immediately into a collection of overblown, under-designed action sequences of diminishing returns. If any of us were having nearly as much fun watching this film as villain Johnathan Pryce is having chewing the scenery this would have a been a contender for one of the best in the series. It's not.

Bond: 'I'll send you a postcard.'

Q: 'Please don't.'

The relative failure of the 24th installment in the series was especially demoralizing due to the fact that it squandered one of the great opportunities ever afforded to a Bond filmmaking team: reintroducing Blofeld and his titular organization to modern audiences. Given the dramatic, visual, and conceptual possibilities inherent in this set-up, the film should have been one of the series’ best. Instead it fails to stick a single landing following the above average cold open in Mexico City. Tragic.

"There's no point in living if you can't feel alive."
- Elektra King

Unfairly maligned as “bottom-of-the-barrel Bond,” partly due to Denise Richards’ regrettable and distracting turn as Dr. Christmas Jones (she of the infamous, forehead-smacking pun that closes the film). But some of the most exciting sequences of the Brosnan era can be found buried in this film (a crackerjack opening boat chase, the exploding caviar factory, the vertical submarine in Istanbul) if one is willing to wait them out. This is Brosnan's second-best outing as Bond but it is, admittedly, a distant second.

"There is something horribly efficient about you."
- Camille

Starts out impressively with hands-down the best car chase in the series. But QUANTUM OF SOLACE quickly gets lost in the desert- so dependent on leaching off of its superior predecessor that it never finds its own identity. Daniel Craig is game at every turn but his second film as 007 is aggressively forgettable, offering few pleasures after the first act.

“Fascinating anatomical tidbit. But probably the most useless piece of information I ever heard.” 
-Bond

One of the gamest and most endearing entries in the series is unfortunately also one of the sloppiest. A film that can’t stop stepping on its own feet is ultimately redeemed by Christopher Lee, an iconic villain, Herve Villechaize, his iconic henchman, and Khao Phing Kan (known as “Bond Island” today, even to the locals), Thailand- debatably the most iconic location in the history of the franchise.

Moneypenny: 'You never take me to dinner, period.'

Bond: 'I would you know. Only M would have me court-martialed for illegal use of government property.'

It would be impossible for a five-decade-old genre exercise that was produced modestly and embraced attitude and experimentation over polish and narrative complexity to not show its age. And Dr. NO certainly does. But it’s also compulsively watchable, smoothly-paced, and features the greatest character introduction in film history- a scene that does NOT show its age.

"We've nothing to declare!" - Bond

An expansive, globetrotting epic, short on humor but long on inventive set pieces, THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS is surprisingly serviceable. The franchise welcomes Timothy Dalton with open arms, as the fourth actor to play James Bond, then immediately puts him to work. The insecure narrative disappears down a convoluted rabbit hole by the second act but the film remains pacey and unpretentious throughout.

“Well, that’s quite a nice little nothing you’re almost wearing." - Bond

Sean Connery’s “I’m only here for the money” aloofness, the surreal thrill of seeing Bond in 1970s Las Vegas, and the inspired inclusion of the two most gloriously flamboyant henchmen in the history of the series somehow collide to create a wacky and wonderful installment. A legitimate contender for “most bonkers Bond entry,” DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER skates by on swagger, eccentricity, and an endless barrage Connery quips (most of which somehow all seem to land). This is “the poor man’s GOLDFINGER.”

"Mr. Bond is indeed of a very rare breed... soon to be made extinct." - Kamal Khan

While Roger Moore’s age is apparent on his face in his sixth turn as Bond, his charm and infectious enthusiasm are as apparent here as in any of his other performances in the series. The plot machinations–which split Bond’s time between India and East Berlin–are as absurd as the series gets (Faberge Eggs, Russian fanaticism, and circus animals feature prominently). But the film is so eager to please, so willing to try anything to get your attention (yes this is the one where Bond dresses up as a clown to disarm a nuclear weapon) that it’s hard to actively dislike.

“The things I do for England...” - Bond

If GOLDFINGER invented the Bond “formula” then YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE turned it up to eleven and galvanized it. Bond’s mission this time around is described as “the big one” by M, Blofeld’s face is revealed for the first time, and production designer Ken Adam’s Volcanic Lair (a legendary set rumored to have cost more than the entire budget of DR. NO) changes large scale set design forever. Nancy Sinatra’s title track deserves to be mentioned in the same breath as Shirley Bassey’s best.

“As you can see, I have no problem with female authority.” - Bond

Bond number five Pierce Brosnan and two time series savior Martin Campbell break a sweat struggling to update the franchise for the 90s and are largely successful in their endeavors. The breezy, sturdy, good-natured GOLDENEYE wows with breathtaking stunts even while hampered by Eric Serra’s sticky-synth score, which badly dates an otherwise solid outing in the same manner as Bill Conti’s regrettable FOR YOUR EYES ONLY disco beats.

“Mmm, maybe I misjudged Stromberg. Any man who drinks Dom Perignon ’52 can’t be all bad.” 
-Bond

In many ways THE SPY WHO LOVED ME is the “perfect” Bond film due in no small part to the slick, satisfying manner in which it checks formula boxes with practiced efficiency: Fun, frivolous cold open ending with a gasp-inducing stunt? CHECK (maybe the best of the series, in fact). Breathtakingly beautiful heroine with her own agenda? CHECK. Eccentric, billionaire supervillain with a kickass underwater lair? CHECK. Car that changes into a submarine. CHECK. And so on… This is Bond comfort food of the highest order.

"It's all right. It's quite all right, really. She's having a rest. We'll be going on soon. There's no hurry, you see. We have all the time in the world." - Bond

Simultaneously one of the most beloved and divisive installments in the franchise, OHMSS was the first of many series reinventions and is still likely the boldest. Bond number two George Lazenby accepts the thankless task of following Sean Connery and blunders through much of his first (and only) outing. But he finds his center in the film’s pivotal moments- those between Bond and his bride-to-be Tracy Di Vincenzo, played by the incomparable Diana Rigg. The scene following their wedding represents the greatest epilogue in the series. The film also contains the greatest of composer John Barry’s eleven original Bond scores.

While THE SPY WHO LOVE ME represents the efficacy of the well-oiled Bond narrative it never quite gets to the core of the character at the center the way GOLDFINGER does. Sure, this film invented the Bond formula. But, more importantly, it also invented the legend. Ultimately the film, Sean Connery’s third outing, is often an uncomfortably dated bauble of a pop distraction. But there are resplendent pleasures resonating from the core of this bauble- particularly the way in which Connery and director Guy Hamilton seem to anoint everything they touch with pop iconography. Few images in the franchise or the history of cinema are as staggering or recognizable as Shirley Eaton’s lifeless, glistening golden body. Few sounds as goosebump-inducing as the brassy opening cords of John Barry’s theme. Few representations of masculinity as relatable to generations of moviegoers as the grey-suited Bond, astride his silver Aston Martin chariot. It’s all here. It’s all classic.